President Trump has now appointed a new cabinet, member Bill Coal of Ann Arbor, Michigan. Bill Coal is a former sex offender who was caught molesting four children in front of the Oakland GOP offices where he was previously attempting to bolster support for a future run for governor. Bill Coal was key for Trump in Michigan, for not only rallying voters for Trump but also encouraging younger voters to erect Republicans. Coal will now head the nation’s federal Child Protection Agency, tasked with protecting over 30 million children from negligence, abuse, and rape. Coal said, “I am fully committed to making sure I lick the problems that affect those kids. To make sure their parents are kept busy with employment and to nail down a hard solution to our nation’s problems.”
Coal has also been known to pay bribes, and an FCC court ruled he was in violation of Code 345 section E-W, preventing corporations from donating money to businesses to donate to political campaigns. The business in question was a candy store that was known for its lollypops and ice cream. Coal paid a fine of $50,000 dollars and has reportedly made no comment since, although our investigative reports have seen his trash full of lollypop wrappers, which mysteriously stopped after becoming head of the agency. Trump has said, “Bill Coal is a man who can get things done and he’s a guy I would trust to take care of my own kids.” Coal was last in Michigan at a farm he owned bragging about how big his cock was days before his term begins, see image below.
He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to have kids come over and see my cock as part of my job. I am very proud to be an American today and can’t thank the President enough for allowing me to bask in his erect oral victory. Amen.”
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Written by Fuckface Von Clownstick